Danilo in trouble - three times in two weeks

Danilo's car, as I mentioned in the last blog, needs a new transmission and it is patiently waiting in the garage to be fixed. In the meantime he is driving my jeep, badly.

He needed to go away at the weekend to play at politics and I pointed out that no way was he driving the jeep all of that distance. Not only because he couldn't drive it properly but also because the exhaust is falling off and it has no windscreen wipers. He promised me he wouldn't and that he would just take it to the bus station. I knew he was lying - well just not telling the truth which is different in Dominican logic.

He called me when he arrived at his destination and said the car was safely parked at the bus station. He called the next day and I tried to catch him out by asking how he was managing driving the jeep and again he said it was parked at the bus station. He even called me the next day to ask what time the last bus back was.

On his return he handed over to me a video he had taken while away. The video was good, but the silly idiot had forgotten that he took the video from the car - yes, my jeep! I congratulated him for carrying out an investigation on my behalf and dropping himself right in it. I also pointed out I knew he was lying about the bus. He said that it was extremely annoying that I now knew when he wasn't being totally honest! Victory for the gringa.

He explained that when driving through Santo Domingo it was raining and he had to lean out of the window and use the brush as windscreen wipers. I am sure you remember that.

He went on to say that everyone was laughing at him and then they stopped at the traffic lights where there were traffic police. Now I would have been terrified - but the policeman came over, took the brush from Danilo and helped him to wipe the windscreen down, laughing all the time, then gave him the brush back. Only in the DR.

He arrives late at night from University and I am usually in bed and asleep. I got up this morning and went outside to let Lobo the husky out and there was my jeep - with the most shredded tyre I have ever seen.

Even Belinda the Great Dane was impressed.

I am waiting for him to get up to explain a. what happened, b. where it happened c. how far he drove home with the tyre in that condition and d. how and when is he going to fix it.

He also nearly got into serious trouble a couple of weeks ago when he delivered me an egg. As you know we have chickens, supposedly to deliver a constant supply of fresh eggs. Monster and Mrs Monster are now free in the garden but they appear to have gone on strike as far as eggs are concerned.

However, a couple of weeks ago he came inside and put an egg down next to my computer saying that it appeared at last we were getting eggs again.  I told him to leave it there and in a couple of minutes I would boil it for breakfast. I was concentrating on writing and out of the corner of my eye I noticed the egg moving. Odd, but I assumed maybe it was the wind. Then it rolled, and then it squeaked. Then it broke open and a beak stuck out.

Just as well I didn't boil it. And a little later on this happened.

And the final episode, was I asked him to buy two tins of tomatoes to make chilli con carne. This is what I got.

Beetroot con carne. I think not. Never a dull moment.

Communication with a Dominican Man

I receive lots of emails and have lots of chats with ladies who have a Dominican boyfriend or husband. There is one common denominator in that there tends to be communication problems and the woman often does not understand their man’s behaviour. This is usually the case when they are not physically together and when communication is made from a distance – phone, texts, skype whatever. However, as I receive so many emails I can see there is a common thread in all of them – both appear to want or need something different from the relationship. The women want love, affection, reassurance and the men usually want ‘things’ and to talk about their problems. I know this is not true of all Dominican men - but obviously the only people who write to me are the ones who are having issues with their relationship.

So when mulling this over and trying to understand this, I remembered studying this chap Maslow.

Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist and he wrote a paper in 1943 called ‘A Theory of Human Motivation’ and then a book, which suggests that people have to fill certain needs and wants before they can move on to the next stage of needs and wants. He described it in terms of a pyramid.

The lowest levels of the pyramid are made up of the most basic needs, while the more complex needs are located at the top of the pyramid.

There are five different levels in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

Physiological Needs
These are the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food, and sleep. Maslow says that all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met. Given the level of poverty in the DR, which is around 80%,  many Dominican try hard to satisfy this level with many not knowing where the next meal is coming from.Those that work in hotels do not have this problem with food, but often their families do and they will be under pressure to help the family out. Sleep, however, does not appear to be an issue – I have never known a Dominican unable to sleep anywhere or anytime. Maslow's premise is that people cannot worry about emotional needs until these physiological needs are a given. How many people from first world countries worry about where the food will come from?

Danilo asleep on a river outing

Security Needs
These include needs for safety and security. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health care, safe neighbourhoods, and shelter. Official unemployment figures in the DR are around 16% but higher among younger people. Many work in the unofficial labour market. Health care is sporadic, although the social security system is improving, but if you or a member of your family are sick it can put a tremendous strain on resources.

Social Needs
These include needs for belonging, love, and affection. Maslow says that until the two basic needs at the bottom of the pyramid are met, then people cannot start worrying about social needs and for many Dominicans these are met by their own family as most families are very close. The foreign ladies who come here, however, and have relationships with Dominican men don’t have to worry about food or shelter or jobs or healthcare as they usually are a given. They come looking for love and affection and whilst the Dominican man can talk the talk and give that for a week or two, once the lady goes home then they are back to the bottom of the pyramid and meeting their physiological and security needs are more important.

Esteem Needs
After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition, and accomplishment. Again these are all wanted by the females from abroad. Dominican men are superb in boosting your self esteem but their need for social recognition tends to be met by having the latest iPhone or the latest brand of sneakers.

Self-actualizing Needs
This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others, and interested fulfilling their potential.

Many people say that Maslow’s triangle and his hierarchy of needs cannot be proved, especially the top one, self actualization.

However, I thought it was an interesting way to look at how the cultural differences play out in long distance relationships. I would be interested to know what anyone thinks – especially those of you who are involved in a relationship with a Dominican man. To be honest I think this might be true for all relationships or friendships between first and third world cultures - that the lack of comprehension of each other's way of thinking or doing is due to where you are in Maslow's triangle.

Dominican men - trying to understand them

This is a blog post for ladies who have relationships with Dominican men! The majority of the searches where people end up on this blog are from people looking for information about Dominican men. I also have lots of emails from ladies who are in relationships with Dominican men and having problems, and also from those who have taken their Dominican husband to live with them overseas who are also experiencing some issues. There is a major cultural difference between Dominicans and people from more developed countries and it is that difference that we women fall for. However, understanding the differences might help to avoid some of the conflict. I know that every relationship is different, and every Dominican man is different and some are better than others and here I am pointing out the worst points. Obviously there are plenty of good points - but I wanted to look at the problem areas. I also know that I am generalizing here, but, for what it is worth, here are my top 10 golden rules for foreign women as to how to have better chance of  having a successful relationship with a Dominican man – especially when the men are living overseas with them, away from the Dominican Republic.

1. Communication

Firstly there will obviously be communication issues if both parties do not speak the same language. In most cases, although not all, the women will not speak Spanish and the Dominican man has to learn English. This will not always be easy, and puts extra pressure on him, especially if he is not used to learning. Many have to attend classes in their new countries where teaching is done in a very different way from what they are used to. They may feel uncomfortable and nervous and under pressure to achieve. Trying to have a successful relationship with someone where you do not understand each other fully puts additional pressure on you both. You should try and learn Spanish too – don’t just rely on him to learn English.

2. If he comes to your country, understand how he feels

In most cases if a Dominican marries a foreign woman and goes to live in her country, it will be the first time he has been out of the DR. All he will know about his new country is what he has seen on the television, or talking to people who have been there (who always talk about the good!) The culture shock can be massive, not just the way things are done, but maybe the cold, missing family and friends, language barriers, different food, different everything. Some Dominicans will step up to the plate and embrace their new country, for others it is much harder, but understanding how they feel and trying to make them feel at home can help. Think of how many expats live in the DR and end up going home as they dislike too many things about the place. And what Dominicans consider normal, such as lack of electricity, expats will dislike.  It works the other way around too, in that what you think is normal, they will not like. You should anticipate a period of adjustment.

3. Understand stress

Foreign women are used to coping with stress, as life is stressful in the developed world and people just get used to it. Long journeys to work, long working hours, maybe working two jobs or more, money issues – especially when saving all of the time to visit the DR. Rules and regulations which you just take for granted. One of the great things about the DR is the lack of stress. Few time pressures, lots of laughs, no appointments to go and see people as you just call in, drinking at the colmado.  Imagine how a Dominican man feels when he experiences stress for the first time. It is a feeling which he is not used to. I remember my husband once asking me, when he was working very hard, that he felt strange and was that ‘estress’. And if the stress is ongoing, which it usually is, then the discomfort and unhappiness he feels builds. Many will miss feeling happy and relaxed.

4. Stress leads to anger

Many Dominican men have temper issues – although you may rarely see them. When they feel under stress, or cornered, they become angry. This is usually verbal but unfortunately can sometimes become physical. I think it is simply because they are not used to communicating and it is the only way they have learned to express how frustrated they feel. This is by no means condoning it, just that by understanding you can help to avoid these situations. Dominican men will become like a cat, cornered by a dog and hiss and spit. Afterwards they forget about it, but many relationships fail due to the woman not appreciating the stress their man is under, as for them stress is a way of life and they know how to cope with it. All they see is the man they married disappearing, and being replaced by someone who is sullen, uncommunicative and with outbursts of temper.

5. The past

Assuming that both parties can understand each other, Dominican men hate discussing the past. Maybe all men do? What is past is past and there is no need to bring it up again. However, we as women seem never to forget! Any discussion will almost invariably involve “Remember when you did this that or the other,” on our part. That is guaranteed to annoy the Dominican man who will yell " 'ta pasao!"

6. Questions

Don’t ask them! Latino men are by their very nature, macho. They like to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing – until you manage to train them otherwise. However you do not have the same rights. Constant questioning is another trigger for temper tantrums. And you rarely get the right answer.

7. Don’t play the blame game 

Long distance relationships are never easy, but what makes them bearable is the anticipation of what it will be like when you are together. Unfortunately the anticipation is often better than the reality, and when things don’t turn out as you have dreamed or planned, it is easy to blame your Dominican man. “Do you know how much I had to suffer to bring you here?” “Do you know how hard I had to work?” “Do you know how much money I spent?” No he doesn't know and to be honest, rightly or wrongly he probably doesn't care. You are  usually the one who decided to do it, not him. This is one of the key issues which causes problems, as you then burden him with guilt, which again leads to stress. They think you love them, that you wanted them there, and now you are blaming them. They too will have been anticipating a life which was significantly better than the one they left and may also blame you for taking them away from the DR, especially if their life is not what they anticipated. And remember, Dominicans like instant gratification. They do not understand planning and saving for something. If they want a motorbike, they go and buy it on credit. They will not understand if you tell them they have to work for x years to have enough money to get them the lifestyle they want. “I want it, and I want it now!”

8. Understand the importance of family

Family is very very important to Dominicans, and they are usually all very close. Children are expected to look after their parents, there are very few old people’s care homes here, as the parents move in with the children or vice versa. Dominican children are also supposed to provide financially and there is extra pressure on those who go overseas as they are thought to be much richer. Every couple will handle this in their own way - some will send a small amount monthly, and some nothing.  Again this can turn into a key bone of contention. Just be aware it is not only your man, who wants to look after his family but almost all Dominicans.

9. It isn't exactly lying

Dominican men don’t lie, they just don’t tell you the truth if they think it will cause conflict, which they hate, or if it will hurt you. Learn the signs, and don’t ask the question if you know the answer. “Did you take my chocolate from the fridge?” will always be answered with a “No” as they know they will get into trouble.  If there are only two of you in the house then of course it was them. Next time hide the chocolate. Another option is don’t get annoyed when you find out they have crashed the car, so they work out they can tell you the truth and you don’t get annoyed. The childlike behavior of many Dominicans and the emotional immaturity is something that is attractive in the beginning. The ‘I love you,’ all the time, is just like a child – telling you what they think you want to hear. However, the childlike behavior, lies, tantrums and need for immediate gratification is the other side of the same coin.

10. Embrace the different cultures

It is difficult to understand how different two cultures can be. I had a comment on this blog from a Dominican lady who went to visit her American husband’s family in the US and he was amazed that she started cleaning their house – just like Dominicans do here in the DR as a way of saying thank you. When I married my husband in church in the UK, he shook my hand as I reached the altar. Many things will make you smile, and some make you cringe, but try looking at your culture through their eyes and live the best of both worlds.

If you want to know more about relationships with Dominican men and read real life stories then check out www.drsisterhood.com. It is a site for anyone who wants to know about the country and the people.

Also, to learn more about Dominican men and the culture of the country, you can read my two books "What About Your Saucepans?' and "Life After My Saucepans." They tell my story, warts and all, how I made the decision to leave the UK and come to the DR and the ups and downs of living with and marrying a Dominican Man. Most readers love them, and they are both best sellers on Amazon. You can buy then in  kindle and paperback versions on all of the Amazons sites, in Chapters as well in Canada, and on Smashwords for the iPhone, Kobo and Nook versions. I hope you enjoy them and please let me know what you think of them and if you have time, leave a review as well!

Happy New Year (and more on Dominican Men)

Happy New Year to you all and thanks again for reading. I have just checked the statistics for the last year and this blog has had 33,000 visits from 15,000 people in an amazing 130 countries. People from the USA visit it most, followed by Canada, the Dominican Republic, UK, France, Australia, Netherlands and Spain. We have one reader in Papua and New Guinea, one in Kazakhstan and one in Ethiopia! Amazing really and very rewarding to think that people all over the world are reading about the DR and my life in the barrio.

Those reading the blog last year

Last night was New Years Eve, and my husband cooked our traditional New Years Eve meal, san cocho.

It was just the family, he and I and the two boys, plus Chivirico and his aunt. A great time was had by all, but I must admit I was tucked up and well asleep by midnight.

I hope you all have a great 2013, and to start it off with a smile a little more on the culture of Dominican men.


Standard conversation with English man when I realise the car is missing.

Q: Where is the car?
A: I lent it to Jim as his isn’t working and he needs to pick up his wife.  He will bring it back in an hour.

Same conversation with a Dominican man

Q: Where is the car?
No reply. (The question often needs to be repeated. It has been suggested to me that husband suffers from Attention Deficit Syndrome. Personally I think it is damaged hearing due to years of loud music, or, more probably, Ignore The Question if the Answer is Difficult Syndrome).
Q: Where is the car?
A: Viene pronto. It will be here soon.
Q: I didn’t ask when it would be back, I asked where it was.
A: Casi esta llegando. It is almost here.
Q: Yes but where is it now.
A: No esta lejo. Not far away.
Q: Where exactly?
A: Cerca. Close
Q: Who has the car?
A: Ese viene. It’s coming.
Q: (Shouting by now) Where is the bloody car?

Standard phone call with English man

Q: Hi, where are you?
A: I am at Jim’s house discussing the car. I will be home in 30 minutes.

Same conversation with a Dominican man

Q: Hi, where are you?
A: Aqui. Here.
Q: Where exactly is here?
A: Aqui abajo. Here further down.
Q: What are you doing there?
A: Nada. Nothing.
Q: So why are you there doing nothing?
A: Hablando. Talking.
Q: Who are you talking to?
A: Hablando disparate. Talking rubbish.
Q: Who are you talking rubbish with?
A: Nadie. No one.
Q: When are you coming home?
A: Ahorita. Later
Q: Just so I get this right. You are there,wherever there is, talking rubbish with no one and will be back later.
A: Exactamente.

As you can see, Dominican men are excellent at not answering the question. I used to find it frustrating, now I find it amusing and any conversation asking for information is a challenge. There seems to be a total confusion between where and when. If I ask stepson where his brother is, he always says he will be back soon. Most odd.  I am sure it is not done deliberately, it is just the way it is.

The culture of Dominican men

I receive several searches on this blog and several emails from ladies looking for information about Dominican men, what it is like to have a relationship with them, are they really macho and jealous, how do you know if they are genuine or a sanky panky, and other such questions, so I thought I would write a little bit about them.  I must however stress that this is my experience and observations and obviously does not apply to all Dominicans.

There are several good points about living with a Dominican man. They are fun to be with, usually very optimistic, laugh a lot and are very caring. Most will have your happiness at heart, and will do anything they can to make you happy.  Whilst it is said that they tend to be macho, this does not usually reflect in an expectation that the woman of the household should do all the chores. My husband cooks, cleans and does the shopping. He will not usually do the clothes washing, ironing nor go to the colmado as those are apparently women’s work. I have no idea why those particular chores, unless it is as he was used to the women going down to the river to do the washing.  In most Dominican households the children will be given chores to do from an early age, and whilst they do tend to be different chores for boys and girls, all of the Dominican men I have met have no issue at all with helping around the house.

A key cultural issue is the importance of the family. In a country where there are very few people who have a pension, the children are expected to support their parents when they get old, both financially and physically when needed. Very few elderly people go into an old people’s home, but live with one of their children. In the UK, most wives expect to be number one in their husband’s lives. In the DR the parent will always come first.  In addition if a family member needs help, especially if they are sick, the other members rally round and help. This does not mean that you are constantly handing over cash, but the culture of sharing and helping each other is ingrained and an important part of daily life.

One of the most charming things about Dominicans is their childlike innocence and behaviour, due in the main I think to a lack of education and exposure to the wider world. Whilst this childlike behaviour has its charms, it can become frustrating. The men hate conflict, hate getting into trouble, and so will avoid telling you the truth if they think it will upset you. It is not lying per se, it is just truth avoidance! Learning to understand this and spotting when it happens is a challenge. I always look them in the eyes now, as I read in some FBI interrogation thingy that if the eyes dart to the left they are lying!

In order for the relationship to work, both have to learn to understand, appreciate and adapt to each other’s culture and learn that neither are right or wrong, just different. Those of us who live in the developed world refer often to the past – I remember when you did that or said that. Dominican men live in the present, and don’t like always having the past brought up. So don’t do it – it achieves nothing.

It takes time, perseverance and understanding to adapt to a different culture and to live together in a different way than you would with a man of your own country, culture and background. But then if you wanted to do that, you would not have had a relationship with a Dominican, would you?


If you want to know more about relationships with Dominican men and read real life stories then check out www.drsisterhood.com. It is a site for anyone who wants to know about the country and the people and if you join, as a member you get access to women who really understand the culture, free translations, free Spanish lessons, access to the members' chat room and discounts on  investigation services.

How to understand a Dominican Man

I receive several emails from foreign ladies who have Dominican boyfriends or husbands asking for information or advice, so I thought it might be useful every so often to tell you what I have learned over the last 10 years, living with and then married to a wonderful Dominican man, and also bringing up two stepsons.

When I learned Spanish and could more or less speak it and understand it, I thought life would be a lot easier, in that I could understand perfectly what my husband was saying to me. But not only do you have to translate from Spanish into English so that you get it, firstly you have to translate from Dominican Man Spanish into Spanish and then into English.

Let me explain. Time within a relationship is totally different from normal time. Dominican men live in a sort of space bubble.  When he goes out there are only three times. Five minutes, twenty minutes and then two hours. Five minutes is up to an hour, or an hour and a half but never ever five minutes. Twenty minutes is around three hours and two hours is all day. So lesson one is always make that translation and you will not be hanging around waiting.

Of course they often do not tell you how long they will be, as many Dominican men have a habit of just disappearing and you have no idea where they have gone or when they will be back! One minute you think he watching TV and the next minute he is nowhere to be seen. We had some friends coming to see us a month or so ago from a long way away. They weren't planning to stay long, just an hour or two. They arrived and he was nowhere to be seen. I called and he answered. He was miles away in town, and had just gone without saying a word! I told him to move his ass back sharpish - "Mueve tu culo!"

Or they may say they will be back ahorita - later. That is a very dangerous word as it could be days, not just minutes or hours.

When they return from whatever, you will ask why they are so late and what they have been doing. The answer will always begin with "Lo que pasa..." which means "well what happened...". I have learned that anything at all which follows this phrase will not be the whole truth! So lesson two is whatever follows "Lo que pasa.." should not be believed!

And finally, another dodgy word is "Claro". Not the telephone and internet company, but the word meaning of course. You ask if they will be back on time and they answer "Claro", "Of course". The translation of this word is "No way". Telephone and ask if they have been to the supermarket and the answer is always "Claro" when they haven't!

So, living with a Dominican man is great fun and fabulous as long as you learn the new translations for words you thought you knew.


If you want to know more about relationships with Dominican men and read real life stories then check out www.drsisterhood.com. It is a site for anyone who wants to know about the country and the people.

Also, to learn more about Dominican men and the culture of the country, you can read my two books "What About Your Saucepans?' and "Life After My Saucepans." They tell my story, warts and all, how I made the decision to leave the UK and come to the DR and the ups and downs of living with and marrying a Dominican Man. Most readers love them, and they are both best sellers on Amazon. You can buy then in  kindle and paperback versions on all of the Amazons sites, in Chapters as well in Canada, and on Smashwords for the iPhone, Kobo and Nook versions. I hope you enjoy them and please let me know what you think of them and if you have time, leave a review as well!

Living with a Dominican Man

I have been living with a Dominican man for 10 years, married for the last 6 nearly. Here you can see what a handsome couple we make when he was presented with an award for being the biggest contributor towards helping youth sport in the area.

When you are married to someone from a different culture, background,and country, with a different language, education, and upbringing, it certainly brings with it a whole variety of challenges.

1. Generosity

I love this about Dominicans. They share everything. If someone is hungry they will give them food, give them a bed if they have nowhere to sleep. Help pay for medicines and the doctor if they are sick. They will lend their car or motorbike to anyone who asks. It is a lovely part of their nature and I find it very humbling as it makes me realise how careful we are with our possessions in the developed world. However it can be frustrating when the Christmas presents you bought him, like the new denim jacket, the camera, the new pair of jeans, mysteriously disappear even before the end of January. Sometimes given away, sometimes 'borrowed' by the children or family, never to be returned.

2. Family

Family are incredibly important. There is no system of social security and very few people have pensions, so when you are old and decrepit your children look after you. No Granny dumping here. What is more, as soon as the children start working they give part of their wages to their parents. It is just the way it is. My husband's third son lives in Spain with his mother and every month he sends us half of his pocket money. When you are sick and in hospital the whole family moves into your hospital room and looks after you and brings you food - nurses just come and change drips or give injections. If you are unlucky enough to go to jail the family brings you food every day.

But when the family come to visit they take over. I don't spend time in the kitchen, preparing for their visit. Once they arrive they just walk in, take everything out of the freezer, and start cooking. They take my clothes out of the closet and wash and iron them. At first it would do my head in, now I just let them get on with it and try not to cry when I see the nice piece of beef I was saving for next Sunday lunch being chopped up and thrown in a pot of rice. And remember, your Dominican man will of course send money to his parents, and they will always come first in his life - no point in fighting it. Both of my husband's parents are dead, but we send money to his brothers and sisters if they really need it.

3. Optimistic

Dominican men are very optimistic and generally live for the day. It is wise not to let them have total control of the finances or you are unlikely to last the week let alone the month. My husband has an amazing ability not to dwell on the past at all, it is not worth it, he says, it is past. If you have food for the day then everything is right with the world, and if you don't, then someone is sure to give it to you. Life here is all about laughter and appreciating the good, however small it is, rather than dwelling on the problems, or what might happen.

4. The truth

This is a tad difficult for your typical Dominican man. He will always tell you what he thinks you want to hear, and will never tell you anything he knows will make you cross. If you are a tourist on holiday and you ask any Dominican if it will be sunny tomorrow they will always say yes, as that is what you want to hear. I would realise the car was missing and ask where it was. The answer is always the same: "Nearby," or "It will be here soon" or "What's for tea?" Anything rather than tell me it had been lent to someone who had no driving licence and who had taken it to a town 4 hours away.

The great thing though about being with someone so different to yourself is that you both find wonderment in each other's country and culture. I will laugh in amazement when I see the kids going to school on the bus, and he cannot see what I am laughing about as it is normal for him. And when we are in England he is like a cross between Crocodile Dundee and ET as he sees so many things that are different, such as trains - there are none here - horses wearing coats in the cold weather, white smoke coming out of your mouth when you breath in the cold air.

Life is one long journey of adapting to each other's ways. The washing line is used to hang fish on to dry in the sun covered in salt and oregano (one of his specialties) and the laundry is hung on a barbed wire fence to save on pegs.

He cannot read a map and when we travel anywhere I say use the map and he says ask people en route. So as I usually drive, every journey takes a long time as we have to stop for me to read the map, and stop for him to ask people. We laugh about whose system worked best but we always get to where we are going in the end though - and that is what it is all about isn't it?